Sitting in the hard

There are days when this is really hard.

Pretty much everyday there is at least one moment when this is really hard.

Cancer sucks. Incurable, chronic, stage IV, ultimately terminal cancer…it’s hardly fathomable sometimes, so hard to wrap our heads around. It steals my energy and my strength, my independence and my abilities. It’s an ugly, awful hard. Continue reading “Sitting in the hard”

Just Show Up

I’ve just finished reading Just Show Up, by Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn. It’s a book, a beautiful book written by two friends: one dying of cancer, the other who showed up – to love her, to support her, to walk with her, to dance with her, to live with her. It’s their story, and it’s the story of their community. It’s also my story, a story I’m living.

I write for New Christian Woman, and my latest post for them will be published in a few weeks. It’s about community. This book is about community. I’m living in and experiencing incredible, blessed, grace-filled community. A community that has shown up. Continue reading “Just Show Up”

Talking With My Two Year Old About Cancer

Our kids are sharing a room with each other for the first time, and this morning Eleanor woke early and disturbed Samuel. Coleman got up with her and took her downstairs, but a few minutes later I heard their bedroom door open slowly. I called Samuel’s name, and a sleepy “Yes, Mama?” answered. I invited him to come climb into bed with me, which he did, and we cuddled in the dark. He asked to nurse, and I reminded him gently that we can’t nurse anymore.

Continue reading “Talking With My Two Year Old About Cancer”

Questions, Answers and More Tests

The last three weeks have been filled with doctor’s appointments, trips to the lab and test after test after test as we and our medical team try to understand what we are dealing with.

There are a number of tests used to build a picture of this kind of cancer, and that’s really what I’ve learned they do – together, they are pieces of a puzzle. Each one in isolation tells us something, but on its own is usually not very useful for understanding the whole thing. This is sometimes frustrating – I want answers! Now! What is going on inside my body? What do we do about it? It is hard to be patient. It has become important to me to remember that each result we get, whether ‘good’ news or ‘bad’ news is really just one piece, best understood in the context of the whole, which we are slowly but steadily forming. Continue reading “Questions, Answers and More Tests”

God Meant It for Good

This past Sunday I (Coleman) preached what will probably be my last sermon at New Church Westville. I’d planned to use someone else’s sermon but ended up reworking one I wrote a few years ago for a different congregation. When I delivered it then, there were two people in that congregation battling cancer, and others mourning the loss of a young man. Now it’s closer to home, but I wanted to say the same things:

1.) I do not believe that God wills evil or suffering.
2.) I do not believe that God is indifferent to evil or suffering.
3.) I believe that God only allows evil and suffering for the sake of good that He can bring from it.

I wanted to say these things boldly now, when it matters. Anne and I both are at a place where in the past we’ve wrestled with God over the fact that good people suffer immeasurably, and our faith has withstood that; and as hard as the news is now, I don’t feel abandoned by God.

Continue reading “God Meant It for Good”

On the shock and the blessings

 

I have cancer.

Just writing those words…

It seems crazy. Silly. Fake and unreal. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I’ve said them in the last ten days…

To nurses, and hospital technicians. To close friends. To my parents. To members of the church and school community here. To friends on the other side of the world. To my hairdresser. To strangers. To my children.

It feels like they belong to someone else.

But they belong to me now. I have cancer. Continue reading “On the shock and the blessings”